Making Doctors Appointments

I called James pediatrician that night and left a message.  In the message, I told them why I wanted to see the doctor and if possible, asap.  I was thinking that this appointment would not happen for a few weeks as it is so hard to get an appointment.  To my surprise, they called me the next day and we go an appointment the in two days.

I had an appointment at Sick Kids Hospital then next week at the Teen Clinic already scheduled.  The process  was in motion or what I thought the process was. 

It was so easy leaving a message but I was wondering how I would be at the appointments.

I cried a lot that night.  It wasn’t because I was upset but overwhelmed.  I was trying to picture what life would be like for him.  I knew there would be challenges and I couldn’t always be there to protect him.  I just wanted him to be safe.  I want both of my sons to be safe.

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Talking To Brother and Dad

This was going to be the hard part. James dad isn’t always opened minded. I had no idea what his older brother would say or do. I was worried about telling both of them.  I told them both on the same day he left the note for me.  I was so nervous.

First I told James older brother. I sat him down when he came home from school. James was in his room. I told his brother about the note and let him read it. After he read it, he said ok. I asked if he had any questions and he said no. Wow that was easier than I thought. Believe me the next few weeks would tell a different story.

He said he would try to remember to call his new brother James but it might be hard for him to remember. I told him to try his best. Besides James has ALWAYS corrected the name and pronoun.

I told him I loved him and we will work together as a family.

WOW that was easy. One down and one to go.  Sigh, I expect this to be harder.

James dad came home from work and took a shower. Then we went to a local bar to talk over food and booze. James dad knew something was going on but he would never have guessed this.

After the first beer was done, I gave him the note to read. He didn’t believe what he was reading. It took him a long time to process this. I think he was hoping this was a joke. He thought James could have been a lesbian but not this. Hell, he really didn’t understand what transgender was. I did my best to explain it to him. The limited knowledge that I had from googling that day. I told him to google transgender. To this day he hadn’t. I think he is afraid of what he reads.  That day he said he would support him plus go to the doctors appointments that I was about to set up. To thus day, he thinks it’s a phase. He has mourned the loss of his little girl a bit but not fully as he thinks it’s a phase. Argh.  At least he is willing and that’s all that matters.

I am so proud of James dad. He is handling this better than I had thought.  I am worried what happens when he realizes this is not a phase.

Talk After School

James was a bit late coming home from school on the day he left the note for us.

When he got home, he came to my bedroom and I gave him the longest hug and kiss.  I must have told him a thousand times that I love and so proud of him plus he will always be my kid. I remember him saying ok I get it.

Before he got home from school I googled transgendered children and found lots of information. Thank goodness for Google.

I had lots of questions for him. Here are some of the questions and his answers (I cannot remember the exact order of the questions).

Why a note? I thought you could talk to me about anything.

-we can but I felt comfortable this way

What do you think I would do?

-wasn’t quite sure

Why James?

-I like the name

Do your friends know and how did they react?

-few close friends know and they are fine with it

How long have you felt this way?

-about a year, I was confused about everything

He then asked if he could tell the rest of his class and teachers, I asked him to hold off for a few days. I need to wrap my head around this.  James wanted to hit the ground running with this.

I reminded him that dad and his brother didn’t know yet. I told James that I would talk to them each alone and then we will have a family meeting to talk openly about this. He thought this was a good idea.

I told him that I would have lots of questions the coming days, months, etc. He said he would answer my questions as best as he could.

I also assured him that I won’t do anything without first consulting him. I want him to be comfortable with everything that I was doing.  The information that I read said to take the lead from your child and make sure they are comfortable.

I told him that I would make a doctors appointment so he can talk to his doctor and Sick Kids doctor. I wanted to make sure he was sure about this and he wasn’t confused.  I knew one of them would know the next step to take.

I then called his dad and told him we needed to talk when he got home and we would be going out.  I told his dad everything was ok but we needed to talk about our daughter.

James comments – don’t press your child to come out – they will do it when they are ready. Plus NEVER EVER call your transgender child by their birth name if you are extremely mad at them. In school, he read a book called Beautiful Music for Ugly Children.  This book is about a transgender female to male. He thinks this is a really good book to read but it is fiction and made by a cis person.

Coming Out

On April 27, 2016 is when my son came out.  It was one of the hardest and confusing days of my life.

I was home from work because I wasn’t feel well, I opened my bedroom door and saw something taped to my door.  I instantly thought, oh shoot I forgot to sign a permission form.  I looked closely at the note and in his writing it said for mom and dad.  I opened the note and I was stunned.  I must have read the note at least a dozen times.  The note was very well written.

The note said, “I could not tell you this in person because I was afraid of what you might say or do so I decided to do this in a note.  I am trans gender which means I feel like a boy on the inside and out.  I know this might be a lot to take in but I hope you can accept me like this and get used to it.  I wanted it to keep it short so it’s easier to take in.

-from your loving son James”

After reading the note, I called my best friend to talk about it. Then I texted James .  The text said, “I love you.  I am proud of you.  We will talk when you get home.  Xoxo.”

He wrote back “You too.  See you when I get home.”

A Child Named James, A Blog About My Transchild

Introduction

This is my first attempt at a blog.  My name is Beverly and am 47 years old with 2 amazing children.  At present, I have a 13 and 15 year old.  My 13 year old has told me that he is trans.  I live in Toronto, Ontario, Canada.

I am starting this blog to help other parents and maybe get suggestions.  This is a way that I can tell people what I am going through.  I was bugging my son to start a blog to help other children and then I thought since he isn’t – I would.

It’s odd, looking back on the adventure we are on, I have learnt it is only a name. The child remains the same. This is a hard thing to remember. It’s amazing what we associate with a name.

It’s amazing after James came out, he wasn’t so sick.  This goes to show you how stress can affect a person.  The peeling of the hand and feet went away.  Him sleeping 14 hours a day went away.  Him feeling like he has no energy went away.  He has always been a happy child but he is so much happier now.

Please forgive me if I make mistakes.  This is all new to me and I am still learning.

I would like to thank my family, friends, and colleagues for their ongoing support.  This means so much.

I look forward to the adventure…….and knowing my son.